Bobberty

Bobberty was a larger-than-regular chap, full of steak and wind. He wasn’t prone to sissy things, or even girly things. Instead, he was drawn to knife fights and bullet wars. His mother was a marine. His father was a marine also, but from space. Bobberty liked flowers. He liked the way they died when he killed them. Sometimes they died extra when he forced them to.
He also liked fresh lemonade, because fresh lemonade is delicious.
Bobberty grew up in a rocketship and potty trained on a live grenade.
His uncle was the postmaster general, but Bobberty didn’t like him very much, because he was scrawny and wore glasses.
One of Bobberty’s eyes had tried to go bad once, but Bobberty stabbed it with a piece of glass as a warning, and it healed up perfectly, with better vision than before.
He never dated girls, because they were weak.
And he never dated men, because they were weak.
Instead, Bobberty dated a .50 caliber machine gun named Thor.
Thor was a girl, and if you made fun of Thor being a boy’s name, Bobberty had ways of reminding you that it could also be a girl’s name, and was in fact the name of his .50 caliber machine gun, which he was dating.
If Bobberty had to remind you of that though, you never forgot it and also you wound up missing an arm.
Bobberty had his teeth replaced with tiny nuclear bombs, and he made sure to chew his food as quickly and roughly as possible, in the hopes that he might accidentally set one off and have a real challenge on his hands.
His father eventually killed his mother, and his mother eventually killed his father, and they both eventually killed his uncle, and when everyone was finally dead, Bobberty shed a single tear of acid.
Bobberty eventually owned an entire planet; a fact that he often brought up during his dinner of roast forest.
After dinner, Bobberty would pick the woodland creatures out of his teeth and flick them at a dartboard he kept near the dining table. If they stuck to the dartboard, fall would last until winter.
One day Bobberty decided that he had no use for his skin anymore, even though it had turned into leather and grown thorns.
He wanted a new skin, made out of tanks.
So the army got to work and made him his new skin for Christmas, and Bobberty tried it out by blowing up the moon with his fists.
He was pleased, and thus decided to not kill everyone on Earth.
The End